Late Show First Drafts: Holiday Cards Edition

Late Show First Drafts: Holiday Cards Edition


>>STEPHEN: WELCOME BACK. GIVE IT UP FOR JON BATISTE AND
“STAY HUMAN,” EVERYBODY! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: I FEEL GOOD. I FEEL FREE. I FEEL FINE JUST BEING ME. I FEEL GOOD TODAY. ONE OF THE THINGS THAT MAKES ME
FEEL GOOD ON A DAYREICH TODAY IS HOLIDAYS ARE COMING UP.>>Jon: OH, YEAH.>>Stephen: IT’S AN EXCITING
FEELING. ELECTRICITY IS IN THE AIR.>>Jon: IT’S A GREAT TIME.>>Stephen: YEAH, AND THERE
ARE ALL THE PREPARATIONS YOU DO FOR THE HOLIDAY, PEOPLE GET VERY
BUSY ABOUT IT. YOU GOING HOME?>>Jon: YEAH, GOING HOME,
BRINGING GIFTS HOME, GIVING GIFTS OUT BEFORE I LEAVE HERE.>>Stephen: OH, THAT’S COOL. HAVE YOU GOTTEN ME ANYTHING,
JON?>>Jon: I CAN’T TELL YOU YET. WE’VE GOT TO WAIT TILL THE TIME.>>Stephen: YOU CAN’T EVEN
TELL ME WHETHER YOU GOT ME SOMETHING? I’M NOT ASKING WHAT YOU GOT ME. I GOT YOU SOMETHING.>>Jon: WHAT DID YOU GET ME?>>Stephen: I’M NOT TELLING
YOU. THAT’S HOW IT WORKS! ( LAUGHTER )
NO PRESSURE. A LOT TO DO AT CHRISTMASTIME. GOT TO GUY PRESENTS, TRIM THE
TREE, MAKE THE EGGNOG — WHATEVER EGGNOG IS. I THINK THERE IS EGG IN THERE. I’M NOT SURE WHAT NOG IS. TASTES LIKE BOURBON AND PANCAKE
BATTER, THE CONSISTENCY OF IT.>>Jon: SOMETHING LIKE THAT.>>Stephen: BUT ONE OF MY
FAVORITE HOLIDAY TRADITIONS IS HOLIDAY GREETING CARDS. THEY’RE A WONDERFUL WAY TO TELL
YOUR LOVED ONES, “I WENT TO THE DRUG STORE.” BUT EVEN THE BEST HOLIDAY CARDS
HAD TO START SOMEWHERE. SOMEBODY HAD TO WORK HARD TO
WRITE THEM. SO TONIGHT WE’RE GOING TO LOOK
AT SOME EARLY DRAFTS OF GREETING CARDS IN OUR SEGMENT, “FIRST
DRAFTS!” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>THAT’S STUPID! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>OF COURSE, LONG-TIME VIEWERS OF FIRST DRAFTS KNOW THAT
WE LOOK AT THE FIRST DRAFT OF SOMETHING BEFORE IT BECAME THE
THING YOU KNOW AND LOVE. TONIGHT, WE’RE GOING TO LOOK AT
FIRST DRAFTS OF CHRISTMAS CARDS BEFORE THEY WERE GOOD ENOUGH TO
GIVE TO LOVED ONES. OF COURSE, TO HELP ME DO THAT, I
NEED A VOLUNTEER FROM THE AUDIENCE. OKAY, LET’S GO OUT THERE AND
FIND SOMEBODY. HELP ME OUT HERE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OKAY. ANYBODY? WOULD YOU LIKE — WHAT’S YOUR
NAME?>>TOVA.>>Stephen: TOVA, WOULD YOU
LIKE TO HELP ME WITH FIRST DRAFTS?>>SURE.>>Stephen: LET’S DO IT. COME ON! TOVA, EVERYBODY! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. TOVA, THIS IS FOR YOU. THERE YOU GO. TALK INTO THAT AND THEN THE
PEOPLE AT HOME CAN HEAR YOU. ALL RIGHT. OH, KNOW WHAT WE NEED FIRST OF
ALL? WE NEED OUR CHRISTMAS SWEATERS. THERE YOU GO. THERE YOU GO. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>CLASH WITH MY TOP?>>Stephen: YOU LOOK
FANTASTIC, TOVA. NO, NO, LOOKS INCREDIBLE. NOW, TOVA, WHERE ARE YOU FROM?>>DELAWARE, ORIGINALLY
PENNSYLVANIA.>>Stephen: OKAY. AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THE
CITY?>>I’M WITH MY DEAR FRIEND BOBBY
McCullough, and we grew up together out there in
Pennsylvania.>>Stephen: WOULD YOU LIKE A
COOKIE?>>NO, THANK YOU. I’VE GIVEN SUGAR UP.>>Stephen: WOULD YOU LIKE
COLD MILK?>>YES, I DIDN’T GIVE THAT UP.>>Stephen: OKAY, WONDERFUL. THIS IS WHAT I NEED YOU TO DO
FOR ME, TOVA, IS HERE ARE THE HOLIDAY CARDS I WILL BE SHOWING
TO PEOPLE. YOU HAND ME THE NEXT ONE IN THE
PILE WHEN I CALL FOR IT. YOU UP FOR THAT?>>YES.>>Stephen: ALL RIGHT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING FOR
CHRISTMAS? YOU GOING TO BE HOME, TRAVEL?>>NO, I’M GOING TO BE HOME AND
I HAVE TWO WONDERFUL BOYS I JUST LOVE DEALER.>>Stephen: THAT’S NICE. WHAT ARE THEIR NAMES?>>MICHAEL AND JAMIE.>>Stephen: ARE THEY GETTING
YOU SOMETHING FOR CHRISTMAS, DO YOU THINK?>>THEY BETTER IF THEY KNOW
WHAT’S GOOD FOR THEM. ( APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: FIRST CARD. HERE’S A NICE ONE
THAT SAYS, “JOY TO YOU AND YOURS THIS HOLIDAY SEASON!”
VERY SWEET. BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID, “I
CAN’T REMEMBER YOUR KIDS’ NAMES.” HAPPENS, RIGHT?>>YEAH. I FORGET MY KIDS’ A NAMES
SOMETIMES AND I WOULD CALL THEM THE NAME OF THE FAMILY DOG
SOMETIMES.>>Stephen: WHAT IS THE DOG’S
NAME?>>DOCKSY. SHE’S PASSED AWAY, THOUGH.>>Utephen: DOCKSY? DOTSY.>>Stephen: DO YOU EVER STILL
CALL YOUR CHILDREN DOTSY NOW?>>NO, MY MEMORY’S BETTER NOW
THAT THEY’RE OLDER.>>Stephen: HERE’S ANOTHER
ONE. HERE WE HAVE A NICE MANGER SCENE
ON THE FRONT, “WISHING YOU THE GIFT OF FAITH, THE BLESSING OF
HOPE AND THE PEACE OF HIS LOVE AT CHRISTMAS AND ALWAYS.” THAT’S A BEAUTIFUL SENTIMENT.>>Jon: OH, PRETTY.>>Stephen: BUT —
THE FIRST DRAFT SAID, “I KNOW YOU’RE AN ATHEIST, BUT PLEASE
PRETEND FOR GRANDMA.” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>I HAVE FAMILY MEMBERS LIKE THAT.>>Stephen: ARE YOU A PERSON
OF FAIRKTS TOVA?>>YES.>>Stephen: OKAY, GREAT. GOOD FOR YOU. ( LAUGHTER )
HERE’S ONE THAT SAYS, “JOY TO THE WORLD.” THAT’S A NICE MESSAGE. BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID, “I
SELL WEED NOW.” ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) A SIMILAR — IT’S A SIMILAR
SENTIMENT. SIMILAR SENTIMENT. NOW, WHERE DID YOU GROW UP?>>I GREW UP — WELL, MAINLY IN
PENNSYLVANIA. MY DAD WAS A 22-YEAR-OLD SEABEE
NAVY GUY.>>Stephen: SO YOU WENT AROUND
THE WORLD?>>WELL, HE DID. WE WOULD BE AT DIFFERENT PORTS
AND HE WOULD COME HOME.>>Stephen: DID HE TELL YOU
WHERE HE WAS GOING TO BE OR WERE YOU CHASING HIM?>>NO, I THINK MY MOM WAS
SOMETIMES RUNNING FROM HIM, BUT HE FOUND US ALL THE TIME.>>Stephen: THAT’S A HEART
WARMING HOLIDAY STORY. THANK YOU. ( APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU, TOVA. HERE’S ONE THAT SAYS, “MAY ALL
OF THIS GOOD CHEER LAST THROUGHOUT THE YEAR.” BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID “WHY
ARE YOU SUCH A ( BLEEP ) THE REST OF THE TIME?”
( APPLAUSE ) IN CASE PEOPLE ARE WATCHING, IS
THERE ANYTHING YOU WANT THIS YEAR THAT YOU WANT TO THROW A
HINT OUT THERE FOR PEOPLE BECAUSE THERE ARE STILL A LOT OF
SHOPPING DAYS LEFT?>>ANOTHER DOG.>>Stephen: ANOTHER DOG? MM-HMM.>>Stephen: WHAT WOULD YOU
NAME THE NEW DOG?>>LUCKY.>>Stephen: LUCKY. YEAH.>>Stephen: WOW. LUCKY THAT IT’S —
>>THAT I WOULD BE LUCKY TO HAVE THE DOG.>>Stephen: OH, THAT IS REALLY
SWEET. THAT IS VERY SWEET. ( APPLAUSE )
THIS ONE HAS NICE STARS ON THE OUTSIDE, AND IT SAYS, “CHRISTMAS
IS NOT A DATE, IT IS A STATE OF MIND.” THAT’S A VERY SWEET IDEA. BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID “I’M
HIGH RIGHT NOW. HAPPY LABOR DAY.” ( LAUGHTER )
AND WE DON’T WANT TO EXCLUDE OUR JEWISH FRIENDS, SO HERE’S ONE
WITH A MENORAH, AND IT SAYS “WISHING YOU LOVE AND HAPPINESS
ALL HANNUKAH LONG.” BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAYS “THIS
WAS THE ONLY HANUKKAH CARD THEY HAD.” ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) NOW FOR THE FINAL FIRST DRAFT
CARD. HERE’S A CLASSIC SENTIMENT: “I’M
DREAMING OF A WHITE CHRISTMAS.” BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID, “MAKE
AMERICA GREAT AGAIN.” ( APPLAUSE )
TOVA, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE! THAT’S IT FOR FIRST DRAFTS OF
HOLIDAY CARDS. HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU ALL, NO
MATTER WHICH ONE YOU CELEBRATE. JUST GIVE PEOPLE CASH!
THEY LOVE IT! BACK WITH OCTAVIA SPENCER!

100 thoughts on “Late Show First Drafts: Holiday Cards Edition”

  1. I love her so much, she is so awesome, I wish her and her family the best.. Good to see.. it's hard to feel good lately (honestly) and even way way way before Trump was even Politically involved it was hard, people like her, and then comedy of course, still can reach my heart…

  2. There should be a petition to get Tova that dog if her kids didn't buy it for her. Somebody get this poor woman a puppy!!!

  3. Nog is the half congealed, half fermented remnants of old condiment bottles, and half used cans of condensed milk from the back of the fridge, all mixed together.

  4. Mr. Colbert, I believe you are now obligated to show your audience a picture of Tova and her new dog after Christmas.

  5. This was so sweet! My fav part of Late night with Craig Ferg was when he would chat or jest so sweetly with audience members. With a bit of polish, I hope this can become a regular thing 🙂

  6. This was an adorable segment! I hope they pre-screen potential audience participants, though – wouldn't want to get a weirdo.

  7. Mr. Colbert, thank you for choosing my mother on last night's show. We have been looking for a dachshund rescue for the past 2 months to go with the name lucky that she has chosen.

  8. Stephen; When the aliens made you, they purposely made your right ear like that, in order for us to understand paradoxically ,from our viewpoint,,, it is on the left. It can only be surmised that some tall angelic creature with a big IQ , grabbed your ear and twisted you into position. We like it,, looks good !

  9. Then what was with her comment "…with my two wonderful boys"!? Or do you mean you're one of her sons…?  Bet you're going to have a lot of dachshunds to choose from now!

  10. Nog is short for "Noggin". Eggnog is partially(maybe human) brains. It's a plan hatched by the illuminati to make us drink brains. In the brains is a special chemical that let's them control our minds without us knowing.

  11. Why New Yorkers can't be Sweet as this Lady 😃Am just being sarcastic. I know there's all kinds of people all over 🇺🇸 Have anyone Noticed the Trump it's already rounded by the Swamp. I hope you don't mind if He grabs your.😾

  12. Don't care if you're a Trump supporter or not, that White Christmas jab was hilarious and you're a sociopath if it offended you.

  13. Sorry guys! Big Colbert fan! Whoever came up with this Christmas card idea should be slapped! Next time you come up with an idea like this, lay down till it passes!! PLEASE!

  14. If her sons don't buy her the fucking dog for Christmas I will personally whoop their ass this lady is way too sweet not to get her wish

  15. Dear Stephen Colbert, in addition to Christians and Jews celebrating the holidays, the alienated American Muslims are still living amongst us and celebrate our holidays too.

  16. I gave sugar up, want milk? Yeah , I didn't give that up. Milk is full of a sugar called lactose and fat. I don't why I can't lose weight?

  17. I'm reminiscing looking at almost two years ago that I had the awesome chance to be on Steve Colbert Show. What a highlight of my mini vacation in New York City. To answer people about the dog, I haven't gotten one yet. I guess the timing hasn't been right. I'm still planning sometime in the near future to have a little pet to love again. I never knew it could be so exhilarating to go up on stage and just talk. Something comes alive in you. Thank you Steve very much for that chance. Wishing you, and your family a blessed holiday.

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