Late Show First Drafts: Valentine’s Day Edition

Late Show First Drafts: Valentine’s Day Edition


WELL, VALENTINE’S DAY IS NEXT
WEEK. AND THERE’S NOTHING GIVING A
NICE CARD TO YOUR SPECIAL SOME ONE. IT IS THE KIND OF GESTURE THAT
SAYS MY OFFICE IS NEAR A WALGREEN’S. BUT EVEN THE BEST VALENTINE’S
DAY CARDS HAD TO START SOMEWHERE. AND THE PEOPLE WHO WRITE THEM
DON’T ALWAYS NAIL IT ON THE FIRST TRY. WHICH IS WHY TONIGHT WE’RE GOING
TO LOOK AT SOME EARLY GREETING CARD EFFORTS IN OUR SEGMENT
FIRST DRAFTS.>>NO, NO, STUPID.>>Stephen: ALL RIGHT,
WHENEVER WE DO FIRST DRAFTS I NEVER DO IT ALONE. I ALWAYS DO IT WITH SOMEONE TO
HELP ME. LET’S GO OUT HERE AND SEE IF
THERE IS SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP ME DO FIRST DRAFTS TONIGHT. ALL RIGHT, SOMEBODY WANT
TO– ANYBODY? OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. SURE, PLEASE. I WOULD LOVE IT. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. COME WITH ME, PLEASE. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. ALL RIGHT. WHAT’S YOUR NAME, PLEASE.>>PATTY.>>Stephen: PATTY, PATTY WHAT?>>SMITH.>>Stephen: PATTY SMITH,
EVERYBODY, SAY I HAD TO PATTY SMITH. NOW PATTY, HAPPY VALENTINE’S
DAY.>>THANK YOU.>>Stephen: DO YOU DRINK?>>NO.>>Stephen: YOU DON’T DRINK,
ALL RIGHT.>>WELL, YES, I DO.>>Stephen: YOU DON’T HAVE TO,
I CAN DRINK IT I ONLY HAVE ONE.>>OKAY, YOU HAVE IT.>>Stephen: I HAVE IT, OKAY,
I’LL HAVE THAT, FINE. THIS TURNED OUT TO BE A GOOD
VALENTINE’S FOR ME. PATTY, WILL YOU ACCEPT THIS
ROSE.>>OH, THANK YOU. BEAUTIFUL.>>Stephen: PATTY, DO YOU HAVE
ANY ALLERGIES.>>NO, I DON’T.>>Stephen: YOU DON’T HAVE ANY
ALLERGIES, HERE IS SOME CHOCOLATE, DIG IN RIGHT THERE. THAT’S THE REAL STUFF, IF YOU
WANT A LITTLE CHOCOLATE RIGHT THERE.>>I THINK I WILL HOLD OFF.>>Stephen: OKAY, WELL.>>IT’S BEAUTIFUL. (LAUGHTER).>>Stephen: I’LL HAVE THE
WHOLE DAMN THING. YOU’RE A REAL ROMANTIC, PATTY. PATTY, ARE YOU HERE WITH YOUR
VALENTINE TONIGHT.>>YES, HE’S RIGHT OUT THERE IN
THE AUDIENCE.>>Stephen: WHO IS THE
GENTLEMEN.>>ROY.>>Stephen: CAN WE GET A SHOT
OF ROY OUT THERE. HEY, ROY. HOW LONG HAVE YOU AND ROY BEEN
MARRIED?>>IT WILL BE 46 YEARS IN JULY.>>Stephen: 46 YEARS. CONGRATULATIONS. THAT’S FANTASTIC. WHAT I NEED YOUR HELP IS HERE,
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN FIRST DRAFTS BEFORE.>>I HAVEN’T.>>Stephen: THIS IS HOW IT
WORKS. I WOULD LIKE YOU TO HOLD THESE
AND PLEASE KEEP THEM IN THAT ORDER. WHAT I WOULD LIKE YOU TO DO LIKE
THE MAGICIAN ASSISTANT I WOULD LIKE YOU HAND ME THE TOP CARD
WHEN I CALL FOR THE NEXT CARD. AND LET’S START NOW. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. SO WHAT WE DO ON FIRST DRAFT,
PATTY, IS I READ YOU THE FINAL DRAFT OF A CARD AND THEN I SHOW
YOU WHAT THE FIRST DRAFT WAS. WHICH WAS NOT AS SUCCESSFUL AS
THE FINAL DRAFT, ARE YOU ON BOARD?>>YES.>>Stephen: DO YOU UNDERSTAND
THE PREMISE OF THE JOKE.>>YES.>>Stephen: EXCELLENT. HERE IS THE FIRST ONE. I KIND OF LIKE THIS ONE. THIS IS A CUTE ONE THAT SAYS,
YOU STILL DRIVE ME CRAZY. ALL RIGHT? THAT’S NICE. BUT THE FIRST DRAFT, JUST THE
TOP ONE PLEASE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. FIRST DRAFT SAID IF YOU TAKE OUT
THE GARBAGE WITHOUT REPLACING THE BAG ONE MORE TIME, I WILL
PUT THE BAG OVER YOUR HEAD WHILE YOU SLEEP. WHILE I GOT YOU HERE, THERE WILL
PROBABLY BE SOME PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO AREN’T MARRIED OR
THINKING ABOUT GETTING MARRIED. WHAT IS THE SECRET OF 46 YEARS,
PATTY?>>PERSISTENCE.>>Stephen: PERSISTENCE. JUST KEEP GRINDING ON. KEEP GRINDING ON, NO MATTER
WHAT. EXSLEBTS. ALL RIGHT. THIS IS, I REALLY LIKE THIS ONE
HERE. IT SAYS YOU MAKE MY HEART SKIP A
BEAT, BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID, PLEASE STOP FEEDING ME SO MUCH
SAUSAGE. VERY NICE PEOPLE, THERE YOU GO. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. HERE IS A VALENTINE FOR THE
WHOLE FAMILY THAT SAYS FRIENDS MAY COME AND GO BUT A SISTER IS
FOREVER. NICE. THAT’S SWEET. SWEET. BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID WHY
DIDN’T YOU MAKE BECKY YOUR MAID OF HONOR? DO YOU HAVE BROTHERS AND
SISTERS.>>ONE BROTHER.>>Stephen: YOU HAVE ONE
BROTHER.>>YES.>>Stephen: ARE YOU AN OLDER
BROTHER OR YOUNGER BROTHER.>>YOUNGER BROTHER.>>Stephen: ARE YOU A BOSSY
OLDER SISTER.>>I WAS. NO LONGER.>>Stephen: I’M SORRY ABOUT
THAT. ALL RIGHT. LET’S SEE. SO HERE’S A NICE ONE IT SAYS ON
THIS VALENTINE’S DAY, I GIVE ALL MY LOVE TO YOU. OKAY? VERY SWEET, VERY SWEET, FIRST
DRAFT WASN’T QUITE AS GOOD. FIRST DRAFT SAID ON THIS
VALENTINE’S DAY I GIVE HALF MY LOVE TO YOU AND HALF OF MY LOVE
TO THE JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS, GO JAGS. DO YOU HAVE ANY PLANS FOR
VALENTINE’S DAY?>>PROBABLY GO SWIMMING, GO OUT
TO LUNCH.>>Stephen: GO SWIMMING ON
VALENTINES, IS THAT TRADITIONAL.>>INDOOR POOL.>>Stephen: YOU HAVE AN INDOOR
POOL.>>WE BELONG TO A CLUB WITH AN
INDOOR POOL.>>Stephen: SOUNDS LEAK A NICE
CLUB, IS THERE A VALENTINE’S EVENT.>>NO, TUESDAY, WE GO SWIMMING
ON TUESDAY.>>Stephen: GOT YOU. THIS ONE SAYS, THIS ONE SAYS
ALICE, WILL YOU BE MY VALENTINE. BUT THIS ONE, THE FIRST DRAFT OF
THIS ONE SAID SARAH, WILL YOU BE MY VALENTINE, I HOPE SO. OTHERWISE I WILL ASK ALICE. VERY SPECIFIC. (APPLAUSE).>>Stephen: DO YOU GUYS HAVE
KIDS.>>WE DO, THREE KIDS, SIX GRAND
CHILDREN.>>Stephen: WOW, ARE ALL THE
KIDS MARRIED NOW?>>YES.>>Stephen: ARE YOU HAPPY WITH
THE LOVED ONES THAT YOUR CHILDREN HAVE FOUND?>>ABSOLUTELY.>>Stephen: OKAY FRK YOU SAY
NO, I WILL JUST CUT IT OUT OF THE SHOW. YOU CAN BE TOTALLY HONEST. HERE’S ONE, IT SAYS YOU’VE GOT
THE BIGGEST HEART OF ANYONE I KNOW, ALL RIGHT. BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID,
SERIOUSLY, THE SAUSAGE IS KILLING BOTH OF US. ANOTHER SAUSAGE CARD. SO IMPORTANT. THE FIRST SAUSAGE CARD. CHECK THIS ONE OUT, CLASSIC. HOW DO I LOVE THEE, LET ME COUNT
THE WAYS. BUT THE FIRST VERSION SAID, I
LOVE THEE TWO DIFFERENT WAYS, THREE IF IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY. WELL, PATTY, THANK YOU SO MUCH.>>THANK YOU.>>Stephen: THANK YOU, BRING
THIS TO YOUR HUSBAND. BRING THIS TO YOUR HUSKER AND
THIS TO YOUR HUSBAND TOO. PATTY SMITH, EVERYBODY. WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH WILL
ARNETT.

100 thoughts on “Late Show First Drafts: Valentine’s Day Edition”

  1. To the untrained eye, this lady would appear dull and boring. To me, she's probably the most interesting guest to sit in that chair. I write screenplays, and something tells me her current life would make for an interesting story. There's mischief behind those eyes. I think she'd surprise us.

  2. What's with all these people making hateful comments about a completely normal granny just because she dares to sit next to Stephen? Chill guys, ffs. There's so much bile in some of these comments you'd think she was Trump's mother.

  3. She was probably just getting up to use the restroom and Stephen thought "You're eager!" Poor Patty probably needed to go to the restroom this whole segment. Lol

  4. Patty was painfully boring. They should have just cut her segment out. How are you going to volunteer to go on stage and then be so anticlimactic? Skip over Patty next time, and pick an audience member that's a little more eager to talk to Colbert.

  5. I'm lactose-intolerant and get tipsy off one glass of wine, but if Colbert offered me chocolates and wine, I would take them and say it was worth it.

  6. and this is why the audience needs to be scouted in advance so they can actually get an audience participant who has a personality. Live and learn!

  7. I thought this was hilarious in the awkwardness of it all. Just think of it: The lady goes out of our her way to get picked just to be extremely dry. She talks about her Valentine's date of going swimming but it's something she does every Tuesday. She even brings up how her brother died and all throughout the awkward interview of her not laughing at jokes, her husband is cheering her on so proudly in the audience. Amazing.

  8. wtf this lady STANDS UP and starts WALKING to stephen before he even picks anyone, and she says no to his chocolates and wine? AND she hasn't seen first drafts

  9. She is absolutely ruining this entire segment…. seriously, smile, laugh, do something! For fuck's sake you were standing up walking to the middle of the aisle making Colbert pick you and then you do nothing?

  10. Pattie Mayonnaise was about as entertaining as a lawn gnome. You gotta Eat that chocolate even if you have diabetes and drink that wine even if you're a recovering alcoholic

  11. they need a better segments if they want to include audience members.

    This sucked and it's not the lady's fault, the segment just fails

  12. this woman is so boring & no fun. if I was in her place, I would be jumping for joy if Colbert gave me a rose & chocolates! 😉

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